posted: 10-14-04
photos: clerestory
transcribed: tadah
aka the Drunken Dragon
from Queens, NYC
last project "sin-a-matic"
next project Odd Couples "Alcohol/Ism"
eating habit vegetarian
aka Rebel Rasheed
from Philadelphia / Copenhagen
last project "Gray Matter"
next project Masked Avengers feat. Maylay Sparks "So Wonderful EP"
eating habit carnivore
website /
as Treeman
from Berlin / NYC
last project Breez Evahflowin "Fly"
next project n/a
eating habit vegan
please note Treeman doesn't drink beer. He didn't taste any of these and rated them only on appearance.
website /
aka n/a
from Zürich, Switzerland
last project "Talk To The Hand" Mixtape
next project Masked Avengers feat. Maylay Sparks "So Wonderful EP"
eating habit carnivore
aka n/a
from Wittenbach, Switzerland
last project get lost in Zürich
next project sober up
eating habit vegetarian
louis: I'm under the impression that we're going to sample a lot of piss water before we get to anything that's really good. You should drink the good one first.
tadah: Let's start with Feldschlösschen. It's from the north west area of Switzerland. From the Basle area. It's actually a company that's now owned by Heineken or Carlsberg or someone. I think it's the biggest beer in Switzerland.
Hands Solo: I just drank that shit yesterday.
Maylay Sparks: At the party, right? This tastes like a Kronenbourgh to me.
louis: This tastes like a watered down bad Pilsner to me.
Maylay: A strong Pilsner.
louis: It's pussy, dude. It's like any regular, shitty US beer.
Maylay: It's like Coors. I could drink about thirty of 'em though.
tadah: I don't like it. But I knew that I'm not going to like it.
louis: Yeah, me too.
tadah: It's something you drink because the restaurant doesn't sell any other beer. Or when it's free backstage.
Maylay: Yeah, that's a good one. You drink it because it's there.
tadah: So I give it a 3. Even though when I drink this, it give me the impression that I'm going to have a headache in a minute.
louis: This beer is not strong enough to give me a headache. It's just... it's real gassy too. I give it a two. This is what you call 'Scheisse'.
tadah: So this is what gets louis logic to speak German.
Maylay: I give it a five because it's really good with a sandwich. It's good for an afternoon beer drinker. This is something I could handle, like maybe two at lunch.
Hands Solo: I need to pee. As Maylay said: I liked it with the sandwich. It's okay. You don't get a dry mouth. I liked to drink shit beers sometimes. But that's just me. Like I drank Old Milwaukee.
louis: I only liked that, because I can get a thirty pack for like 6 dollars.
B.Ski: Exactly. That's the point. What's the other one: Paps Blue Ribbon.
Maylay: That's back now.
louis: It's the hipster beer. But this beer here is brutal. That was traumatic. And now I'm all filled up with gas. Did you guys feel this beer to be particularly carbonated? I'm floating on my seat over here.
Maylay: Haven't you heard me belching?
Ratings (1 bad - 10 good)
louis logic 2
Maylay Sparks 5
B.Ski 3
Hands Solo 4.5
tadah: Okay, I know this is going to be good. I picked this one, because it's from the area where I live. And because they didn't have Schützengarten, which I think is the best Swiss beer. Much smaller brewery. This is another lager.
louis: See, I'm not a lager fan.
Maylay: It's a lot more full bodied. Especially after drinking that fuckin' first one.
louis: What I can say is that the head is fuckin' comical dude. Even though this beer is probably better than the last one, the head looks bad.
Maylay: It looks like a commercial for Guinness.
louis: This isn't awful. I can drink this. It's still kinda watery to me. And not a lot of flavor to the beer. You know, when you get Pizza, at a really good, grimy NY spot, and it's greasy, like orange looking, but it's so good?
And then when you go to some place like Wyoming, you stop at a family owned pizza spot: the pizza crust is like white. It's doughy and pure. And the cheese is yellow. And then you eat it, and the stuff is like as bland as cardboard.
That's what I think of this beer. Because there's no balls to this dude. Not that I want to taste balls. This is better, but still pussy. This is still a sissy beer. So I'm not a huge fan of it. It is a step up, from the last beer we sampled.
The head is really fizzy and grouse. And it doesn't settle. It just sits there like I'm drinking a Guinness, but this is not that kind of beer, that's like thick and hardy. And the flavor is relatively bland. There's not a whole lot to it.
I'm surprised. Because I looked at the bottle, and the label, and I thought it was something that had a little more care to it. Maybe it does, but I think they put their care into the wrong things.
tadah: Into the label instead of the beer.
louis: Hey, that happens a lot. Look at music. I've seen awesome album covers for shitty albums. So I give this a four out of ten. It's approaching acceptable marks; satisfactory.
Maylay: It's definitely a step up from the other one. You can tell this is a better processed beer. Like no artificial flavors; you can't taste artificial color number seven in this. I don't have too much head in my glass. Not as much as in my pants. It tastes like a full bodied Pilsner, even though it's a lager. It tastes weaker than the average lager. I gave the other a five, but only because of the Sandwich. So I gotta give this a solid five. I would definitely drink it on a good sunny day. And if it was free.
louis: Yeah, I wouldn't even call it a lager, this tastes like a Pilsner to me.
B.Ski: I give it a six. It looks good.
Hands Solo: I give it a four. I gave the Feldschlösschen a 4.5, because I drink it so often and am used to the pissy taste. But as this is the first time that I drink it, I give it a four.
tadah: As I like lager beer, and I seem to be the only one here, I say that I do buy this when I buy beer. So I give it a 7.
louis: If you like this style of beer, I think that's reasonable.
Hands Solo: The aftertaste dries your mouth out. If you smoke a cigarette while drinking this, you need to also drink water to not dry out.
Maylay: The aftertaste is like the smell of beer when it's spilled to the floor in a bar.
louis: Yeah.
tadah: So the aftertaste is the aftersmell.
Hands: And there's a lot of foam.
Maylay: Overall I think it's a good beer though. I definitely feel the no additives and preservatives flavor of it.
louis: I think this beer; their hearts are at the right place. It's just not very adventurous.
tadah: It's a good drinking beer.
louis: I don't mind this one. If we were at a spot where they only have a variety of Pilsner's and Lager's, I could see myself buying this. I'd drink this like for the first two beers and then switch over to a darker beer. Because you can't drink dark beers all night, or that's going to lay heavy on you.
Ratings (1 bad - 10 good)
louis logic 4
Maylay Sparks 5
B.Ski 6
Hands Solo 4
louis: Get ready Ra, this is going to be bad news. It's the Cardinal Saint of Urine. You're going to be a sad motherfucker when that shit hits your lip, dude.
B.Ski: It looks bad. That looks horrible.
Maylay: That looks like Still's Reserve.
louis: Still Reserve is disgusting...oh, my God.
Maylay: Yo, the Cardinal Draft tastes fucked up. This shit is so nasty, it's ridiculous dog. It's like so nasty, that it doesn't have a taste. I give this shit an all out zero.
B.Ski: Ahhhh, it's not even beer.
Maylay: I would prefer a white can with b-e-e-r spelled on it, rather than get this shit. But it's beer though, so I gotta give it a zero point one. But I'm not going to pour it out: I got that much respect for it.
tadah: That's the spirit. And just for the record, I didn't pick this beer.
louis: Okay, give me my bottle of urine. Oh man… do you remember when we were in the Van, and Ra farted and everybody got really sad? Do you remember that smell? Do you wanna smell it again? Take a whiff from this bottle.
B.Ski: I'll pass.
louis: It's right here. They bottled it. I didn't know that. They bottled that sad thing in Switzerland. And they call it Cardinal.
This beer smells like someone stinking ass. It's disgusting. I haven't tasted it yet, and I'm fearful to. But I will. Because that is my commission. We are to sample the worst of the worst, in juxtaposition to the best of the best. You can watch me as I grimace and suck this rotten bottle of swill. I haven't tasted it yet, but I already know what I'm in for.
Come on, look at that fuckin' shit dude. Have you ever had to give a urine sample at the hospital? I tell you, I could pore this into one of those cups, and they'll test it, and I'd pass my drug test. They wouldn't know it wasn't piss.
It doesn't even have any bubbles in it. Aight, whatever, I'll just drink it.
tadah: Oh, you're downing it.
B.Ski: Savage. Let's see the face.
Maylay: I can't. That's going to make me sick.
louis: Oh, that's fuckin' rotten dude. This is a bad, bad choice. Look at my eyes, dude, they are all teary.
tadah: What's your rating of it?
louis: I have to rate that? Oh Christ. Are we allowed to work with the negative scale? So I give it a negative one.
And I'd like to thank the people that made this beer, for ruining the rest of what has been a great trip so far. After I'm finished with my comments, and I fulfilled my obligations for my good friend tadah, I plan to hurl myself out this window for having experienced such a horrible bouquet of flavor. That has to be the worst beer in Europe.
B.Ski: That would have been so hot, if you would have just puked.
tadah: This tastes like bad syrup.
B.Ski: This smells like real bad beer.
tadah. This really was a bad idea. But I'm not going as low. I give it a three.
Hands Solo: I've had many hard nights with this beer and therefore I don't even get the taste that much anymore. But it tastes like the morning after. And that's why I give it a one.
Ratings (1 bad - 10 good)
louis logic -1
Maylay Sparks 0.1
B.Ski 5
Hands Solo 1
Maylay: This is a light lager. This I expected to be a little more heartier.
tadah: That's the one you picked.
Maylay: Yeah, because I used to drink Löwenbräu in the States [but probably the German one - ed.]. So I was under the impression that it was going to be brewed a lot better here, as opposed to in the States. So I'm not actually let down, as I would buy this one. An addition of a lime or lemon might spark this one up a little bit.
louis: See, that's my problem with this beer selection: they are all lime or lemon beers. What's up with the blacker than the crack of my ass beers? Because that's what I like.
Maylay: So for a lager, I give this a six and a half.
louis: Now, I don't mind this at all. Actually, I think this is kind of dry for a lager. That's a quality I like in all alcoholic beverages. It's a little fizzy, a little foamy. But certainly not as carbonated as our disastrous first offering in the 16 ounce bust-you-over-the-head sized can. Whatever that was called, and that I thought was the Swiss equivalent to Budweiser.
This has got a little buzz to it. I think all in all for a lager, it's kind of contradictory to the style of lager. It's a little bit bitter, and it has a kind of dry biting flavor to it. And as a genre of beer taste, that's what I like.
So I don't mind this. If I was going to buy anything of the beers that we've had prior to this one, and including this, I'd buy this. I'll drink this again. So I give this a six out of ten. It is easy to drink.
Hands: This is by far the best beer we've had so far. I give it a five and a half.
B.Ski: It looks tight. That lion looks friendly. I'm giving that bitch a nine.
tadah: I'm not so sure what to think of this one. I think I would like this better in a more quiet environment.
Ratings (1 bad - 10 good)
louis logic 6
Maylay Sparks 6.5
B.Ski 9
Hands Solo 5.5
Maylay: Now, I expect this to be really good. Okay, it's a good beer. Not too bitter, not too nasty. Sorta like the Brooklyn Chocolate but a little lighter. Louis picked this beer, so I expected it to be pretty good. Not actually taste like shit. It's very full bodied, and it's the best one that we drank. I give this one an eight. I would definitely buy this one.
louis: Did you guys hear that? I picked that one; the best one we drink. I haven't tasted it yet, but I think that's going to be a solid beer. I'ma be like: this is not the best shit I ever had, but it's good.
Hands: This brewery also puts out Hemp beer.
Maylay: The fact that it's not too carbonated makes it even better for a darker beer. So you get the pleasure of tasting every flavor . Every ingredient. So I definitely like this one.
Hands: Oh man, this is nasty.
louis: You can tell - especially in the reviews - who in this room are like beer snobs that like to go out for beer at festivals and seeking out new kinds of beer and who are the people that just drink what you sit in front of 'em: aka Hands Solo. But, hey, you drink beer, so as far as I'm concerned you're a brother. Cause I love beer.
Hands: That's cool. Say whatever you wanna say.
louis: I'm a beer nut. You just like to have a beer. I'm crazy about beer, so this one here…
tadah: Did you ever read any of the Michael Jackson books on beer? Not the child molesting Michael Jackson… 'Ey, hey, he's innocent.
louis: Naw, I haven't read his books. But I know who he is. If you get any brewery news or whatever, and any brew pub, in any State, he's like always in the issue.
tadah: Yeah, at times it even seems like he's the only one.
louis: He must be the biggest beer critic. He's pretty famous for it actually. So as far as this beer goes, in a nutshell: I think that this is a great beer. It's the kind of beer that I would drink with my best friend when we go out on the road. It's dark, delicious, full, in the dark but wheat style beers tradition. It's dope. So I give this one an eight. It's a really solid beer. I'd buy this again tonight. I like it. It's good. I'd be happy to tell my best friend about this and he's the biggest beer snob in the world. I will write this down and will tell him that I had this beer. And he'll probably want to find it at some point. This is a fuckin' beer, dude. It really is. Hmm. I give it a 1. This looks like a fuckin' boat on the cover with a bunch of fuckin' logs. I'm a Treeman. I don't wanna see fuckin' violence toward my people. This beer looks horrible. This beer looks Russian.
Hands: As I'm not a beer connoisseur as louis said, so you can call me a beer shmuck because I think that this beer really sucks at the beginning. Now I have had a few sips and it's getting better the more I drink. At first I thought that it tasted like somebody drank it before and spat it out and now I have to drink it again. But even though it is getting better and better, it still has a bad aftertaste. It sort of reminds me of grape juice. And therefore I give it a solid five. And that's just because I grew up near this town Wädenswil.
tadah: This beer is for sitting at a table and instead of drinking a glass of wine, you drink this glass of beer. It's not necessarily a good beer to just gulp down, but it's a good bear to enjoy.
Ratings (1 bad - 10 good)
louis logic 8
Maylay Sparks 8
B.Ski 1
Hands Solo 5
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